Q: Hi, my name’s Val. I’m from Colombia and I wanted to see what you’d think of my situation–just for an outsider’s point of view and because I really like the way you see things from what your tweets have shown me. So about two months ago I met a guy at a party and we started dating right away. It was always kinda serious from the start but I didn’t wanna rush anything. I was ok with letting things flow on their own but he started imposing a faster pace so I went with it. We had a few incidents where he’d lie about what he was doing or disappear for an entire day to go out partying with his friends which was unnecessary because I always told him he could just tell me up front and I wouldn’t get mad about it.
One day we talked on the phone for like 2 hours about it and he told me that his last relationship lasted 5 years and ended just 6 months ago and he was trying to find a balance in everything. He has a lot of things in his life that cause him to be really unstable–his work, his passions, his hobbies, his family, it’s all really conflicting and it affects him more than he realizes. After we talked things over, things were great for like a week and then he flaked on our plans on a Saturday night and disappeared so the next day I went over to his house and we ended up breaking up after just one month he said he needed to be alone more than he wanted to be with me and that he realized he wasn’t ready for something so serious and he was gonna keep hurting me and end up hurting me way more if we let it move forward.
I was devastated and I had a really hard time moving on and then the next Saturday I was out with some friends and I get a text from a friend saying “I’m at a party and he’s with a girl holding hands kissing her shoulder and everything.” My friend heard her say they had been dating for a week, mind you it hadn’t even been a full week since he and I broke up, so the next day I was pissed and I texted him saying basically, “You can do whatever you want with your life just know that I know that everything you said to me was lie and that really hurt me and now i have to see you in this negative light I didn’t want to but whatevs, bye.”
Then his friends who I had gotten to know and like started to talk to me often and one even tried to make a move on me one day while smoking but I stopped him. Another one of his friends I actually think he’s really cute and I met him way before I met the guy I dated and we talked about hooking up, nothing serious, and I said why not but then he told me he asked my ex if he could talk to me and he said no so basically he doesn’t wanna be with me and he doesn’t want his friend to be with me so he’s now making decisions on who I fuck or not. He didn’t give our relationship any relevance to date a girl right away but now its too meaningful for him that his friend can’t be with me. All I know is he was an ass to me. He didn’t appreciate everything I did for him and what I was willing to offer and yet he’s still here calling shots on what i do or don’t do.
A: Hi Val! I can definitely relate to your situation. I’ve dealt with a similar situation before. One thing I’ve learned about dating is that when someone is feeling you, for the most part, they’re going to be consistent with you. Only reason they’d be inconsistent is if there’s something deeper going on. All in all, people make time for who and what they want to make time for. From what I’m gathering, ole dude didn’t know what he wanted and was just making excuses instead of being honest. He was fresh out of a long term relationship and probably wanted to move on and get his mind off of it but did not take healthy, gradual ways to get over his past relationship.
In my situation, the guy I was talking to had just gotten out of a relationship. His relationship ended because his partner cheated on him. He carried that baggage into our budding relationship and it ended up contributing to our downfall. I realized he rushed into his situation with me because he so desperately wanted to move on and immerse himself in someone else. But then when he realized I was actually falling for him and things were getting serious, he got scared. His feelings for me weren’t as deep as he thought. I was just a filler for him. Something for him to be entertained by during his time of getting over his relationship.
I don’t know about you but I’m not interested in being someone’s rebound chick. When I’m with someone, I want them to be with me sincerely. I think that you’re better off moving on. You deserve someone that will give you their full effort and attention. You lose some. You win some.
-De La Fro